Hey guys! I know I haven't posted in a while, and I'm sorry not to let you know what's going on in my life. I'll tell you a little bit more, but first I have a question for any of you.
How many of you are going to stay in Bellingham for the summer and how many need a place to live? I'm currently looking for a place and I've got 3 people, one is my boyfriend, the other a girl who's in the same spot as I am, and we are all looking for a place in Fairhaven/Happy valley that allows pets....I'm just trying to see if anyone else is interested. It's not guaranteed, I'm still looking for myself and/or my boyfriend, but the more the merrier and the more money put towards rent helps out immensely. I've got a prospect of 4 bds 2 bath, on 11th st. I'ts $1250 a month and the 3 of us are willing to pay for that, but if we had another person, we can find another place and pay a bit more...
I'll post again a bit more about my life, but I'm at my wit's end trying to find a place and am reaching to every corner I've got available to me. Anything you can do to help would be nice, even if it's just a listing you ran across that might fit for me.
Thank you guys! I know you're a group I can count on, even if you don't want to live with me. =P Anything will help....I'm rather desperate....I need to be out of my place by July 31st.
So here I am, having a wonderfully beautiful house all to myself right now while everyone is out at the mall so my cousin can buy his laptop that he's been chomping at the bit for. Such a spoiled little boy...
But! It was a weekend all for him. It was his rite of passage into manhood that we came from our respective homes to see. My cousin's bar mitzvah. He's the youngest cousin out of 7 and he's no longer such a baby, but still is in some ways. It was quite the celebration though, this part of the family has a lot of money to spend on their kids. So there was the service in the morning, which I must say that Jewish services are so awe-inspiring and soothing. Afterwards was a cocktail hour and appetizers while we all stood around and talked to one another, perhaps meeting a few people you didn't know if you're a social butterfly like my mother. ^.^ Mostly I stuck with my Dad or my female cousins close to my age. But it was nice anyways. Then was the big party in the social hall of the Temple and there was loud music and dancing and food and a good time all around, and drinks! WooT! Heh heh. I had a good time dancing and laughing and watching all the people I didn't know and there was one cousin on my Uncle's side that wouldn't leave us girls alone, but he had fun hanging out with three gorgeous girls. ^.~
The party was big, but well done and we all had fun. Getting home, I stayed up with the adults for a while and talked and had a few more glasses of wine before we all retired to our prospective beds for the night around 2 or so. God it's been forever since I've stayed up that late now because of work. =P But today Kyle (my cousin) annouced that he'd been given close to $3,000 so he just HAD to go to the mall TODAY and get his laptop. He couldn't wait until tomorrow when family is all gone and things quieted down, he had to go NOW! This family spoils their children to no end and they get everything they want. My aunt will have her hands full for several more years to come. She tries to put a little discipline in their routine, but it takes and it doesn't and she gives up after a while. Oh well, such is life as a Southern California mom who works full time.
But we leave here around 4ish for the airport at Burbank so Jake, Diedra and I can fly into Seattle. Stop by Diedra's parents house for a moment or two, enough to pick up Jake's car and then we get to drive back to Bellingham....Meaning I'm not going to be home until midnight or so. Luckily, I've already talked to my boos and she's going to have me come in at 1:30 in the afternood rather than 7:30 in the morning. ^.^ I love my boss sometimes. =P
So I should probably make sure that I have everything in order and ready to be loaded into a car when they get back from the mall. So I will talk to everyone later! I hope you all enjoyed your own respective weekends!!
So it's been a long time since I last posted anything and it was mostly about how I was going to quit my job and focus more on school....
Well, I quit my job, but the focus on school didn't come like I wanted it too. Lately the only thing I can think of is how much I hate it and how much I don't want to be here anymore...I've been going to school for about 16 years of my life, STRAIGHT!, and I'm tired of it and burnt out. I have no passion or desire to learn anything anymore and it's hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning, or do my homework like a good student. I just don't care anymore. I know I should, and I beat myself up over this, but nothing works....I go back to sleep instead of getting up to catch the bus, I watch TV or fiddle on the computer instead of doing homework and I hang out with Joe to stay out of my room where my books are. I hate school....I don't even like being on campus anymore. I tell myself to get stuff done instead of sitting around, but I never do...
I know that everyone's had their moment of being burnt out, but this isn't just a moment, this has lasted since the summer. I'd rather be in the working world and making money to survive and pay rent and come home and do what I want instead of having to think about homework or something outside of work. I liked working, I really did. Even if it was monotonous, I loved it. It was different and the whole time I was at work I was engaged in something, not listening to someone prattle on and on about a subject I really don't want to listen to. I like being on my feet and making some good of my actions, whether it was making a fucking sandwich or doing dishes or anything. I might not want to go back to the deli, but I want to get into the restaurants. I have a passion and desire for the restaurants, even if I start as a lowly busser for the tables, that's okay with me! I was a busser before and I can do it again and work my way up the carpet ladder of the business....I feel like I belong there.
So, it's come to my attention that I can take 2 quarters off from school and not have it affect my enrollment status. That's just what I might do. Take Spring, Summer and maybe Fall off....like almost a year of working and finding out if that's what I want. I have an appointment tomorrow with an adviser and I'm going to find out as much as I can. My mom is coming up this weekend to talk a bit more with me. This is a Huge deal for me. I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do....I do want to go back to school eventually when I'm fresh and ready for it, but I just don't have the heart for it right now...
We all come to a time in our lives where we have to make a decision that will change our lives forever, this is one of those times for me and I don't know how to make it....
I'm hoping beyond hope that things turn out alright in the end...
I saw TOOL last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went with Joe, Josh, Josh's brother and two of his friends and....Dear Gawd! It was awesome.
I came back with benefits too. I purchased myself a nice, brand new, still soft and cuddly TOOL hoodie. ^.^
I feel so delightfully girlish right now.
My neck is a little sore though....Imagine that. =P
It's that time of the year when people gorge themselves so much that their bellies extend and the delicious goodness settles them into a sound slumber. A time of good friends, good food and good times. With Christmas right around the corner, smiles are on everyone's faces when they greet each other and hearts and homes are open and warm.
I've had one Thanksgiving party, courtesy of Arielle and her household and though I didn't speak much, I had fun just being in other people's company and listening to the banter. The dish I made was a success and everyone who tried the Snicker Salad loved it and I even made a small one on the side for Arielle without peanuts. ^.^ It was good to be out of my house and with new faces and old friends...It felt like just the thing I needed. Thank you Arielle, I look forward to our dinner on Tuesday as well.
So it's been six months with Joe too. I can't believe that time has gone by that fast. We've had our ups and downs and sometimes there it looked like the end, but I love that man and I know he cares deeply for me as well and if we can make it through this winter in each others' arms, then we're going to do just fine. Some people don't get why I'm with him, mostly my Brother and Diedra, but they've never given him a chance and gotten to know anything about him. He really is a good guy and has had several of his own hardships in his life, but keeps his feet firmly planted at where he is now and where he wants to go. Everyone gets a little stuck or finds a ditch in the road and he's trying to get back on his feet after finding one and I'm glad that I can be there for him. He's been there for me too.
Recently, I had a big breakdown, I literally hit the pavement and cried. The night started out rough, I've been down about everything and nothing lately and said something in my confusion that struck a nerve on Joe and I tried to soothe it out and apologize for something I hadn't meant to say. That was rough enough, with both of us not in the greatest mood and saying the wrong things at the wrong times....Finally it started to settle down and the tension was relieving when Amber got home and proceeded to bitch about how hard work and life is...That just sent Joe over the edge. She has nothing to worry about or to bitch about compared to either of us...and Joe and Amber started yelling at each other in my room and I curled up into a ball until I finally snapped at them to shut up and take it somewhere else. Joe was the better man and walked away while Amber just sat there and bitched some more to me about Joe. I didn't want to hear it and defended Joe and she got defensive and accusing and so I just told her I'd had enough of her and left the house in search of Joe. I left the house in a tank top and bare feet in the cold and rain of night and went stumbling down the trails to find Joe, but he'd gone to the store instead. When we caught up with each other, he vented to me and I vented to him and then it just kept sliding downhill until he walked away from me. I went after him and tried to stop him and he just kept bitching about Amber and such. I finally crumbled after all of it and fell at his feet a sobbing mess and laid down on the wet pavement and just cried and had a panic attack in the middle of the fucking road....
Great night huh? He ended up leading me back to the house with an arm around my shoulder and soothingly talking to me, all aggravation of just moments before forgotten as he led me back to the house. I crawled into my bed, still a sobbing mess and laid down facing the wall and Amber tried to soothe me and tell me that she would have held her tongue if she knew it would have made me that upset, but I just told her off. I was pissed, scared and hurt....I told her that she needs to know when to just shut up and back off so she doesn't get herself in trouble or others hurt like that night. If she had just come in and felt the tension in the room and grabbed her things and left, it would have been alright. But no, she's an unobservant child who thinks the world needs to revolve around her....I had a fucking mental breakdown and now she has the audacity to say she's pissed at me and Joe...What right does she have to be pissed? I open my heart, my home and give her everything that I am without so much of a Thank You and she's pissed at me?!?!?! Fuck her. If she crashes and burns, it's not my fault and I don't want to be around to pick the pieces. I still have pieces of my own to pick up...She's taken the last of my patience and gratuity. I'm broken now and a good deal of why is her....She's been a strain on me since she got here. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't think it was going to be THIS bad. I'm a mother to an 18 year old child and I'm only almost 21. I'm glad that I get to move out soon and stake my own place and have my own sanctuary once more and be with my Little Boy again....without Amber anywhere in sight. I'm am seriously tired of her and done with it all...I've laid down my arms and just don't care about that anymore.
I have my own pieces to pick up. I shattered that night and I'm still regaining pieces of me slowly but surely. I need to build up my walls again and regain my sense of person...To be me again.
Joe just stopped briefly after work, all pissed off at his manager. Recently the Sous Chef (one step below Chef) just quit and that left the kitchen leaderless on Sunday and Monday nights. He works his ass of for that restaurant and goes in on his days off to cover for the chef and sous chef and cover everyone else's ass and pulls out a wine-tasting menu and run the line by himself, and yet the manager just gave the new leadership position to a prep cook who's been there for 2 months. It's not a sous chef position, it's just someone to be in charge on Sunday and Monday nights when Craig isn't there.....That's utter bullshit. For Joe to work his ass off trying to become a chef and to not even be an option for the leadership spot....That's fucked up. He's tempted on calling in tomorrow and telling them that he quits, he's that pissed. I would be too...-shakes head-
Well, I'm going to make myself some dinner or something, I didn't eat much at my little Thanksgiving party, so yessums....I get to scrounge for food since I didn't get to the bank yesterday...Joy.
Don't worry about me too much folks. I've been shattered and broken before, I'll come out of it in no time and feel new and refreshed....I hope.
So when he feels like shit, he has to make me feel like shit....and when I feel like shit, I make him feel like shit....
A vicious cycle, no?
Fun stuff is coming around the corner and I'd rather slam my head through a wall than deal with it....Joy.
I love the man, I love him a lot, but will I be able to hold onto my soul?
I relieved a lot of my stress though. I found a place to house my dog, and possibly myself later on, in like Dec. after finals. Amber is a little ticked that she may not get me a roommate, but I'm doing what's best for me. Joe's Chef, Craig, is willing to take Copper and it's a dog-friendly household and one of their roommates is moving out at the end of the month....I guess if they were willing to pay two months of a three-person-divided rent, then I can move in at the end of Dec and be with my little Boy and not have to leave him like that....I hope this works out. They are great guys and I like them all. Keeping my little boy seems like that BEST thing in the world to me and as long as I'm still going to school, I don't care.
I'm thinking about quitting my job around New Years so I can be a full time student again at the beginning of next quarter. Trying to juggle everything at once is really wearing me down and I get depressed really easily and things take a turn for the worst and I want to start doing things that I did when I was in High School and desperate.....I'm really stressed out about a lot of things and Joe isn't helping right now....I know he's stressed out, but that doesn't mean that he can't put on a smile when he's with me, like I do for him.......
Well I should get going. I need sleep and I'll talk to you all laters.
And life gives you some twists and turns that you aren't expecting....Kinda gets you to a point where you think you're stuck. Then you take a moment to stand back and look around you and you see all the people who care about you and stand beside you to support you and you can't help but feel better about the situation.
Life has been hectic. I'd talk about part of it right now, but she's in the room with me. Amber is living up in Bellingham now and I'm trying to help her get on her feet. She's had a few job interviews, but no job yet and it's getting nerve wracking....Hopefully this last one she'll land a job and I don't have to be strained anymore.
Joe and I have had our ups and downs, more downs than ups lately. But I've tried to keep a smile on my face and take things lightly, but with so much hanging over my head lately, I've been taking it out on him unknowingly. Tonight was kind of the last straw for him and we had a slight arguement, but it ended on good terms and we have a date night tomorrow where it's only him and I, the world wont exist to us tomorrow, only each other. It'll be nice to relax and let everything slide off my shoulders for a time. I really do have strong feelings for this man and I don't want to fuck anything up this time. "The heart communes best when it tries not to speak." Words can't express how I feel about him and I want to hold onto this for as long as I can. I hope we can make it through the winter.
Deidra and Copper aren't doing the best at the house right now. He makes the downstairs of the house uncomfortable for her and she doesn't like hanging out down here when the dog is out and about. She says the dog smell is bothering her too. And Copper has separation anxiety and whines and cries whenever I leave the house and she's tired of taking care of him. But Amber helps out a bit when she's around and looks after Copper instead of Diedra....But from what I've been told it might get so bad that Diedra wants me to get rid of the dog. I've told them that if the dog leaves, then I leave and they'll have to find a new roommate. Honestly, I'm thinking about that more and more since I have so many rules in this damn house it feels like I'm living with my parents again. And rather than ruin my relationships with my brother and Diedra, I'll move out.
And to top it off is School and work. I get to juggle all sorts of things right now and my life is hectic and taking some interesting twists and turns. I'm taking a light quarter right now, because I knew that life was going to be rough for a while....So School is still going well. I love my classes and it's going to be pretty easy. Work is awesome, got my hours cut back a bit for school so I wont be making that much money anymore. I'm a little bummed about that. Living paycheck to paycheck is going to be even more crunched than usual...>.< So right now, I'm not looking forward to waking up in the mornings and I need something to cling to. I've got Copper and Joe. The two men in my life that make me smile. And I barely get any time to myself except like an hour here or there and it's starting to wear on me and grate me down further and further until I feel like I'm going to snap....
However if you saw me on the street, I'd look as happy and as carefree as can be. I'm good at hiding behind a smile and letting people think that I'm okay and letting only those who I really care about know the truth. Amber doesn't even know the half of it, because she's a good part of it.....I'm a little stuck and lost at this point and can only go one day at a time until things look up. I hope they change soon, I don't know how much more of this I can take. It may only seem like a few petty things, but stacked up, it sucks....
Hopefully tomorrow makes me feel like a queen and I can slide out from under my stack of burdens and be free from it all for a while...
Good luck to me.
I love you guys.
I know I haven't updated for a about 6 weeks, so I suppose now is as good of a time as any. However, I'm warning you now...This will probably be a long post as there is much going on in my life right now.
So as everyone knows, it's officially summer since Finals and all that jazz is done with, though I only get about a week of freedom as I'm taking one summer class to help catch up in some lost credits and get back on track and keep my brain sharp. =P It's a math class and I'm going to try my hardest to succeed this time, but we shall see how well that works with life and work getting in the way.
Life is going okay for me right now. There are some things that I wouldn't mind changing but others that I enjoy the way they are. I do feel like I'm neglecting my close friends again and I know the precise reason why...I've found a new guy and when that happens I tend to get wrapped up and my world revolves around him, but I'm trying to slip past the "New Relationship" feeling and get to the "comfortable" stage already so I can feel like I can do what I want....I know I can now, but I love spending time with him and I feel bad for neglecting my friends too....It happened last year with Andrew and I really don't want it to happen again. I don't think I can stand losing some of the friends that I've made over these past two years in Bellingham and it would be a shame to know it over some guy that they've never met. However, I admit that I'm falling head over heels for this man. Joe is wonderful to me. He's a chef and there's nothing better to know that if I can coax it out of him, he'll prepare a wonderful meal...just for me! ^.^ Hee hee! I don't know how long this will last and I can see it going either way, So I'm just kind of taking one step at a time and seeing where it leads us. I'm actually going to think about this one. No offense Andrew, I still love you too. =P
Work Sucks. That pretty much sums it up. The actual work sucks, but the people are great. ^.^ I love the people I work with and wouldn't change that for the world. It's like a whole new group of friends that I get to see almost every day and hang out with all the time and slowly but surely get to know them and care about them too. I've actually got a pool Tourney coming up on Saturday with one of the guys from work, Jacob. He's a decent player, I believe we are evenly matched and it's just become kind of a joke and a game about this tournament. So it might be kinda serious for a while and then just be fun. =P I can't wait. I don't know why I challenged him, but it's just been soo long since I've had a pool buddy and I guess Jacob is just going to fill that spot.
My little sister is up for a while. She's celebrating her 18th birthday up here with me and I'm going to take her out on the town for a while tomorrow and show her around and all the touristy things to do when you don't drive. =P So I'll take her to Kendricks and then have lunch at the Horseshoe. Maybe a few shops downtown and goof off at the park or whatnot, who knows. Then take her to my work and show her where I work and with who. =P So she'll get to meet Joe, who will also be buying us some booze for the nighttime celebration of her birthday. ^.~ Friday and Saturday I have to work in the evenings, so the afternoons will be spent hanging out and talking and reminiscing. Maybe I'll take her to Fairhaven too and down to the water front. I don't work Sunday and that's her last full day here in the 'Ham, so I'll do something else with her, not sure what, but we'll figure something out. We're resourceful like that. =P But it's good to see her again and hear her laugh.
But my friends, there is more to tell though my eyelids are getting heavy and my body sagging under fatigue of the day. OH YES! I'm taking SWORD FIGHTING LESSONS!!!!! Fuck yes. Those are awesome. I get private lessons from a man who has been teaching for 15+ years and knows a lot. So we go to Elizabeth Park and he takes me through the motions and the footwork and dear GAWD! I love it!!! I wish I could go everyday! I get to learn how to SWORD FIGHT! Boo-Frickin-YA! In your face! =P
But yes, I'm tired so I'm going to go. I've got a big day tomorrow with Amber.
Take care everyone!
Have a good summer!!!
It's sunny! and bright outside....This makes me happy. ^.^ .....and I was given two FREE Red Bulls on campus today, so I'm also slightly wired. =P But I got to see a lot of people on campus that I don't normally see, well I do, but.....You know. It was more fun in the sun and I hung out with a lot of different people in a very short amount of time. .....I like sunny weather, everyone gets out more when it's nice outside.
Work is good, it's a bitch, but good. I love the people I work with, they are a ton of fun and I don't feel uncomfortable around any of them. I get my first paycheck on Friday but I'm not sure how many hours are going to be on it...If it's the two weeks that I've worked, then it will be like 50 hours or so, but if they only going to count this week and the days of my training, it's only like 30 hours or so....I'm not sure. But I do know that I'll be able to pay utilities and all that jazz with my first paycheck so I don't have to feel so strained anymore money wise.
I will be in the 'Ham for the summer, and I will be taking Summer Classes as well, along with working....So hopefully I can still get some time to myself and hang out with my friends and such and go for walks with my puppy. That's right, at the end of June, I get Copper. ^.^ I'm sooooo excited for that and can't wait to see my little boy again. I miss him and he's become a vital part of my life, even though he's not around right now. But he's what keeps me going and happy. ^.^
.......I'm not sure what else to write for now. I think I'm going to lie down for a bit since I didn't get to sleep very well for the past weekend....but, if the opprotunity arises, I want to get out and do something today since it's very, very pretty and this is Washington so it might not last that long.
Hasta la vista!